super hero powers

Raise your hand if you too wake up some mornings disappointed that you're not a ninja.

If I were a super hero, I'd like to be Wonderkungfoobeerman. I could kick ass and refill all near-empty beers. I'd walk into a bar, see a young lady with a nearly empty beer looking around for someone tall enough to go to the bar to order more and be spotted by the bartender over the tree-sized men themselves waiting for service and blocking access to the well. I'd wait for a clear shot. To test the wind, I lick my finger, it burns my tong and you can hear a sizzle. Why? Because I have a fucking laser beam in my finger! I point the digit at the unsuspecting damsel in drunken distress and WHAM she has a full beer in her hand. But then she'd probably complain that the glass wasn't chilled and/or clean. I mean, for christsake, it's her own damn lipstick on it. What does she want from me? I'm just a super hero. Bitches.