Say Hello to Your Very Own: Fall River Rusty Nails

Alright boys. I'm so happy to see so many young, excited faces around this table today. As you know, we're about to put together the first major league baseball team in the HISTORY, the glorious history (storied? perhaps) of Fall River, Mass. Mr. Selig has shown a great deal of trust and vision in seeing that this town is ready for a comeback. But don't call it that. For I've been here for years. Ha ha ha, now really let's get out of Compton and back to business.

Time to spitball some ideas. The first season is just months away and you've seen our schedule. The fact that our best pitcher is amazing, breathtaking, truly spellboundly in his complete lack of talent, doesn't bode well for our prospects of "winning." So, I've been thinking about it and it comes down to marketing. How can we sell this team to the sorry denizens of Fall River? How can we captivate the imagination of youths who grew up in the awesome shadow of Battleship Cove? Ideas, go.

Yes, Jon?
I was thinking that we could paint the stadium the color of argyle so as to bring about a hearken back to the Scottish heritage that Fall River is so...
Nope, we're going to make you the ball girl and dress you up in a tutu.
But I have a MBA from Harva...

Yes, smartass in the uber trendy corduroy blazer?
Uh, it's Matt sir.
Like I give I shit. I had scotch in my cornflakes this morning. So I have that going for me. Speak!
I was thinking that we could have free wireless internet so people can keep track of the box scores of games being played by real teams. Or we could have WEEI on the public address announ...
Or we might not do that. Instead, you'll be major league baseball's first rodeo clown. Keep the bulls away from the outfielders.

Bulls? Sir?

Sam, right? Not that I care. I'm thinking you should be more concerned with your own plight. I'm afraid, son, that you'll have to host the lady's bridge club in right field. Enjoy.

Alright, I'm glad we had this fruitful discussion. Jon, you can pick up your uniform in the equipment room. Be sure to show some skin.