The Institute

"Hello and thank you all for joining us on this blustery day in Vermont. I'm proud to appear before you today to help cut the ribbon on a project I have dreamed about for years. Governor, thank you for agreeing to come and cut the ribbon - I guess I don't need to show you how to do that do I, eh? Ha Ha Ha.

"Today I would like to welcome you all to the first day of the Institute of Awesomeness. This has long been a focus of mine, a vision I had since childhood. As you know, the institute will be the official sactioner of all things kick ass.

"Briefly, the genesis of this can be found in the way awesomeness is designated these days. Willy nilly. That is not acceptible. Yes, we have the 1st amendment defending free speech, but we do not have a free awesomeness amendment - and I will fight to the death any ACLU-loving liberal who wants one! Thus, I will take the reigns and work tirelessless to restore traditional American values of awesomeness.

"At the dawn of this new era, I have already chosen some of our leading staffers and plan to continue to search high and far for talented, commited individuals to defend our traditional values. In the meantime, let me take just a second to introduce to you our initial senior staff.

"Andy Barnard will be the first head of the 'Funny but Tasteless' division of the Institute. He thought, and I quote, 'Borat was the bomb.' Sandra Bobanna will run our 'Silliness' division and will initially help out with the 'Shows about Pain' division as we search for a qualified leader there. Sandra trips constantly and finds it hysterical. Lastly, Ryan Traylor will head up our 'Chicks' divisions. He comes with a stunning resume and I feel he will be an excellent member of this team.

"Anyway, that is our team. That is our mission. Thank you all for coming and thank you for your support. Governor, let's cut that ribbon."

Coffee break

It's getting boring being unemployed. So, in an effort to add a jult of excitement to my day, I just finished off an entire pot of strong black coffee myself. I figured at the time that that would make things move quickly and I'd be employed faster. No such luck. Excuse me a second. I need to call back some guy about a job...

"Hi, is this Jim?"

"Well, thanks for calling me. It sounds like an interesting opportunity. How soon are you looking to fill the position?"

"Ok, well, I think I'd fit the post pretty well. I have managerial experiance and frankly, I think I could do very well in this post."

"Oh thanks. I've heard good things about your organization. This is sort of random, but last night I was dreaming about a trip - not a really one, a dream one - and my mom was yelling at me then I saw this hot chick out the window and... have you ever played scrabble? We should play sometime you seem like you'd be good at it and I think it'd be fun we could get some beers and just hang out..."

"I could do that. I handled similar situations in my last job and I think I did an ok job. Well, there was this one time I became a bit pissed at one of my coworkers but he deserved it. Have you ever punched a wall? It hurts. It doesn't bust through like in the movies unless it's hollow behind the sheet rock which it isn't usually and you can't really know unless you test it before hand but punching a wall is really like an impulse thing and testing it doesn't really seem to make sense there was this one time I found a dollar on the street and I went in to the store to get a juice but all they had was sodas so I bought one but I was belching forever afterwards do you have that problem with sodas too?"

"Ok, well do you want to set up a time to sit down and talk about how I might be able to help the firm?"

"Right, ok, I'll wait for your call then. Thanks."