A Guide to Bears, by Bears

Inspired by this Eugene Mirman geniousnessness.

Ok "fellow" humans, here are the things you should know if confronted by a bear - unlike me, who is human - in a park or yard or conveniently in a den. Things you should do include:

• Throw your camera on the ground when you run away. Expensive electronics are VERY distracting to "those" bears. They are not distracted by things that need chargers because there are no plugs in the woods.
• Don't throw your food down unless it's a vegetarian calzone. Or baklava.
• Wave your arms around and talk words loudly so its clear you are not a bear. No way a bear would interact with a non-bear. Other animals don't have arms to wave so that will clearly scare the bear.
• When bears charge, that's usually a bluff. Call them on it. Be all like "what?" as you push your chest out. They will be like "whatevs" and go away.
• Bears cannot run downhill. It's too scary. How would that even work? Just walk slowly down the hill with your back to the bear. It's cool. He'll fall all overhimself and you'll be safe in your car soon. Downhill... I shudder at the thought.
  
• Don't crowd the bear. Bears have space issues. Close talkers should not hike.
  
• Don't give bears handouts. They stop foraging for food and teach their cubs to beg for food instead of getting their own. Bears should learn self-reliance. I made it this far with only hard work and a trust fund. So can they. Fucking bears.
  
• If a bear doesn't hear you, yell at him. Tell him your there. That'll not only clearly identify you as a human, but also scare him with your masterful use of words. I suggest just telling him all the things you have in your bag. Like "Hello bear, I have a sandwich and a iPhone. I also have $300. I'm just going to walk by you."
  
• Some experts say that bears don't attack those who surrender. That is great advise. Under UN guideline XXVI, bears don't attack non-military individuals who have surrendered.
  
• If you do surrender, just make your surrender obvious. Lay on the ground. Bears have a different way of showing surrender. If you baste yourself with mustard, you will clearly have surrendered. You win. Congrats.