super hero powers

Raise your hand if you too wake up some mornings disappointed that you're not a ninja.

If I were a super hero, I'd like to be Wonderkungfoobeerman. I could kick ass and refill all near-empty beers. I'd walk into a bar, see a young lady with a nearly empty beer looking around for someone tall enough to go to the bar to order more and be spotted by the bartender over the tree-sized men themselves waiting for service and blocking access to the well. I'd wait for a clear shot. To test the wind, I lick my finger, it burns my tong and you can hear a sizzle. Why? Because I have a fucking laser beam in my finger! I point the digit at the unsuspecting damsel in drunken distress and WHAM she has a full beer in her hand. But then she'd probably complain that the glass wasn't chilled and/or clean. I mean, for christsake, it's her own damn lipstick on it. What does she want from me? I'm just a super hero. Bitches.

so you say

Some people say it's not cool and crazy-fun to be a bureaucrat. Those people SUCK

my bog

Is this thing working? Hello... can you hear me? Shit, I think mine is defective.... Sylvia! Sylvia, what the fuck, come here!... Alright, is this thing working... I understand that, ok? I'm not stupid... yeah, your mom WOULD say that wouldn't she... just tell me if this bog is working... ok B-L-O-G, I get it... fuckin' A is it working or not?!?!?!?! .... I'll take the trash out later, I want to know now if this bog is fucking working... what?.... what?.... I didn't mean anything by that face.... you can't read minds so stop trying for chrissake... oh, it is working?.... where's the delete button? ... it's the one that says "Publish to Blog"? what's a blog?... Sylvia, come back here.... bitch... I said "rich"...

Disklaimer

I AM A HORRIBLE SPELLER. EDITING IS NOT A PRIORITY WITH ANY OF MY POSTINGS.

Making of the Band

Dude, hey dude, I'm in a fucking band man! ... That's right, a band.... Well no, I can't actually "play" an instrument, but how hard can that be? ... Really? shit... Anyway, technicalities; it IS a fucking band and we will ROCK!... I don't know really, maybe a cross between the Police, Twisted Sister and Ja Rule... well it will be funky, let us just say that... I'm going to play, I guess guitar and vocals and other shit I guess. I'm like the Swiss Army Knife of kick ass ROCK... We're called the Granny Smiths as in "Thank you Topeka! Oh, and don't forget your coolers, picnic baskets, blankets and strollers. Have a pleasant and ROCKing evening. We're the Granny Smiths and how you like dem apples!!!!!!" .... You know, I don't think being a rock star will change me. I'll still be the same guy I've always been. I mean, I'll always love pizza crust and PBRs... well if I could I would ... are you saying that if I ROCK enough, I'll be able to buy the full pizza? ... so why am I here then? ... fuck this shit and all you losers! I must go ROCK! ... can I borrow a quarter for the bus?

"Welcome to Youngstown and thank you for flying with us..."

Hey honey it's me... yeah, we just landed... so, are you almost here... no, no, that's fine if you're a bit behind schedule, I'll still have to pick up my bag ... yes the blue one ... no of course not, the one you bought me was very nice. I just didn't know if a flower pattern was work-appropriate right now ... So, I'll meet you at baggage claim? I'll just look for the car ... of course I know what it looks like, I bought the damned thing ... yes, it is YOUR car, I know ... what? there's no "tone of voice" at all .... anyway, I have a great story for you: so Stevo, Bethany and I were walking into this seminar and ... you know Bethany ... the blond vice president of sales ... what? what gave you that idea? ... noooo, YOU'RE my type baby ... come on! ... all I know is that I can't wait to get home, take off this suit and throw back a cold one ... of course not, I haven't done that since college ... what? THIS Christmas? ... well maybe I wouldn't have if you're mom would have let up for one second ... no I didn't ... come on! the kids know what I MEANT! ... jesus ... hey, I see the car. Do you see me waving? ... what? ... how the hell should I know if Bethany like this suit on me or not?

My Buddy Tea Pot

Once or twice in your life, if you're lucky, you'll meet someone who will change your life so remarkably that you'll look back on that moment and think, sincerely, introspectively, how much better you are now then before you met. For me, that individual is Tea Pot. He is a tea pot.

I don't drink tea, except occasionally at Chinese restaurants but I think they use bamboo or something, rather than invading the personal space of a tea pot such as Tea Pot. I also don't make political jokes about President Harding (though I will tell you that I DO know some great ones... but I digress) or his initials. Thus, he is not uncomfortable around me. And for my part, he's metal, which is nice. He's also not very flamible, which, if you know me well, is probably a good idea. Tea Pot is my best friend and the people who look at us funny when we walk down the street together, Tea Pot dragged behind on his leash, well, I hate them. They don't understand me and they don't understand Tea Pot. This is a special, symbiotic (a-sexual) friendship. Like women, Tea Pots are sick of being told they need to stay in the kitchen. Wake up America, this land is big enough for all of us. Give a Tea Pot a hug.

Big ups to my dawg T!